As an attorney who practices in family law, I work with clients who have been in committed relationships that have not worked out as they had initially hoped.  I am a firm believer in committed relationships but if the relationship is over, it’s probably best for all involved to end it legally.  However, in these trying economic times, many of my clients tell me they cannot afford to get divorced.  This may be true.  It may be truer that clients cannot afford not to get divorced.  There is no doubt that divorce can be expensive.  The expense is usually related to the amount of conflict between the spouses.  If you can minimize the conflict, you will minimize your legal costs.  If divorce is a certain reality for you, here are some tips that may help you come to an amicable settlement with your spouse:

Don’t fight about the small stuff.  Let’s come at this from the other side: the “big stuff” is your children, your home, your retirement and your income.  The “small stuff” is the big screen TV, camping equipment, the pots and pans, etc.  Don’t become attached to things you can replace later.  Most attorneys’ hourly rates are greater than the cost to replace the “small stuff.”  Use your financial resources wisely and stay focused on the “big stuff.”

Compromise, not conflict.  Amicable means friendly; which, in a divorce scenario, really means “be reasonable.”  If you aren’t willing to be reasonable and compromise on certain issues, then you probably can’t get amicably divorced. 

Do your homework – know your assets and debts.  It is typical that one spouse has historically managed the family finances during the marriage.  This oftentimes leads to the other spouse having absolutely no clue about his/her assets and debts.  I recommend to my clients that they obtain their credit report so at least they  know who is using their credit and the amount of those debts.  Oregon law requires both parties to fully disclose all of their assets and to provide documents identifying those assets.  In an amicable divorce, this should be a straightforward exercise.  If your spouse is not forthcoming with this information, then I recommend you hire an attorney who will be able to find this information out for you. 

Put yourself in your kids’ shoes.  I’ve been focusing on what I call the “money” issues.  The true victims of divorce are the children.  I recommend to my clients that they seek out the appropriate support systems for their kids, whether it’s a school counselor, private counselor or mentor, while they and their spouse go through the divorce process.  When thinking about life with your kids in the post-divorce world, think about it from their perspective in addition to your own.  For example, if you typically work 60 hours a week, don’t demand 50/50 visitation and then put your child in day care when the child could be having quality time with the other parent.  If you and your spouse have worked the same amount of time (i.e. had the same access to your kids) then you should try and work out a balanced parenting plan that works with both of your schedules.  There are no perfect solutions.

These tips are just that.  I strongly recommend you contact a family law attorney who can advise you of your rights and work with you to try and resolve your divorce without having to go to trial.  The amicable divorce is possible, but like the tango, it takes two people to meet in the middle.